13 weeks til we meet our rainbow baby

A rainbow baby is a baby after a miscarriage.  Daddy and I went through the miscarriage experience.  I call it an experience simply for the fact that I can’t call it a “misfortune” or anything negative.  This is because if it had worked out, we wouldn’t have you.

I found out I was pregnant right after Memorial Day 2012. I was so excited to tell daddy. Pete got to tell him by wearing a shirt that said, “I’m going to be a big brother!” Daddy was shocked and excited! We always said we would wait to tell people until after the first trimester-just in case of miscarriage.  But, we were way too excited. We had only told close family and friends.

We went to the doctor for the first appointment at 9 weeks. At the ultrasound they discovered the baby was measuring 3 weeks behind. Three weeks was a big deal to me because I knew my dates weren’t that far off. My heart sank. They sent me for blood work.
The next day I got the news that it was in fact a miscarriage. 

I have to say that it broke my heart in a way that no one or any thing had before. I felt like a failure- like I was incapable of being a mother or at least growing a baby. Of course I began to think of everything I had done and tried to give it a reason why it happened. It was easier for me to think it was my fault rather than it just happened.

My doctor informed me that it was very common for first time pregnancies.  What I found most interesting is that once I told someone that I had had a miscarriage, a large percentage either had also had one or knew someone that also had.  So, I began to wonder why women were so quiet about it.

After going through it, I think most women are ashamed or embarrassed.  Also, it’s just a sad feeling. But, i wish more people would talk about it. It was interesting talking about it with people who have had children with no issue- they were clueless as to what to say. It was like they lost all sense of how to respond to a loss.  I had a D&E and we were back at step one.  You came to be 3 months later.

I tell you this because I want you to know exactly how special you are to me. After going through that loss, I have such a deep love for you already. I can’t wait to hold you, snuggle you,  and kiss you. 

I want to be your mother, your friend, your protector. I want to provide you with everything you need. I want to share Daddy and I’s ridiculously fun life with you.  I want to show you the world. I want to make memories with you in them.

I love you already.

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